Why I dread the first day of school.

As I sit down for the first time today I feel accomplished.   The lunches are packed.  The backpack is filled the very long list of school supplies and the first day of school outfit is laid out next to the fancy new pair of tennis shoes.    I should feel ecstatic but I don't.  I feel sad, anxious and uneasy.    I've hesitated about posting this but can't help but feel that there is someone out there that feels the same way that I do.  

I dread the first day of school.

I loathe the term "special needs" but I guess there is no other way to say it than I am the mom of a special needs child.   Special meaning he isn't like a lot of the other kids in his class and needs because he needs a lot of extra love and patience.  Here is why I loathe school:

* Most likely my son won't come home with the leadership award or whatever it is called, rather we will have a year of think sheets to wallpaper our house with.

* The color system is the death of me and while most celebrate the green days, we celebrate the yellow days.

* While your child is playing and interacting with other kids, my son is either playing by himself or walking laps around the playground to make up for the out of turn talking, impulsivity, etc.

And my list can go on.   I sit in tears, anxiously anticipating another year like the last and all I can do is pray.  Pray that we have a teacher that understands my son for who he is and with what he struggles with.  A teacher that will realize that ADHD isn't a discipline issue, rather than it is a disorder that my son has no control over.  Pray that this will be the year that my son "fits in" and makes friends.    Pray that this year will be filled with celebrations and successes.  

Pray that this will be his year to shine.    

And if you get a chance, say some extra prayers for that sweet boy of mine.  

Worn.

Confession:   There is something about a well worn Bible that catches my eye and makes me long for the day when my Bible looks like this…….

There is a quote that always catches my attention and brings so much truth….

A Bible that is falling apart usually 

belongs to someone who isn't.

Dysfunctional Relationships….

Admit it.  You know it but it might be hard to say.  You've been the victim of a dysfunctional relationship.   You know the kind?  That one where you fell so head over heels in love.  That time when you were convinced that YOU were going to break that person, the one who has never experienced commitment in their life, the one that loved their own time and personal space so much that you had to make the accommodations to be with them?  The one that you were bound and determine to change, to win, to conquer only to be dumped flat on your face….heartbroken and bruised.

Foster parenting is a lot like a dysfunctional relationship.   No matter how much you tell yourself that you aren't going to set yourself up for a heart break, you still manage to walk away with a broken heart.       In the beginning you start out strong.   You keep your heart guarded and then there is that moment.  Maybe it was the way he smiled at you.  Perhaps the way she reached out for you.   It was that moment where you caved and you allowed yourself to fall in love the whole time knowing that you were going to get hurt.

Today is one of those days where I want to throw in the towel on foster parenting.   I can't say there is a specific reason, I just feel discouraged and defeated.  The fear of the unknown sets in and I wonder if I can handle another heart break.

5am

be STILL

Two words that have replayed over and over in my head this last month.    When my anxiety rises and my heart starts to pound rapidly, I have to remind myself to simply Be Still & KNOW that HE is God!!!  

Some of you know our fostering adventure.   We "graduated" from foster parenting classes last May and on June 4th, 2014 we got a phone call that changed our life.   11 weeks later we were left heartbroken and madly in love with a child that was taken abruptly away and we were reminded of how little control we have in this world of foster parenting.    That August 22nd we were left convinced we could never do this again.  But our God is a mighty God and through weeks of healing, prayers being lifted up for us, we were humbly reminded that God didn't call us to foster parenting for us to be blessed, He called us to foster parent so that we could bless others.    And so we jumped on the wagon once again and are currently on our 4th little friend.  

My perspective on fostering has changed so much since our classes and our first placement.   Yes I fall in love with a child and yes my heart aches when that little one looks at me like I'm their mama but my heart is broken for the parents who have lost their child.  My heart desires to see those parents turn their lives around and become a family again.    How amazing would it be to see them become successful in life as parents and as a person?  To turn away from the things that corrupted them in the beginning.  Do the selfish thoughts come back to me of wanting this child as my own?  Absolutely but then I am quickly reminded to Be Still.  

Today is a knotted stomach kind of day as I sit at my kitchen table taking care of my sick son and listening to my little friend sleep in their crib down the hall.   Today my friend's case is in court.  Today two sides are fighting for two different plans for this little one.   I will say, I loathe this part of fostering. The court hearings, the legal drama, the verdicts that we may never know the reasons for.   But that wasn't why God called us to this adventure.

How ironic that this popped up in my Facebook feed this morning?  (and I say ironic with a giggle because nothing is ironic with God)…

This is my prayer today.  I pray for this baby's parents.   I pray that people will be brought into their lives to mold them and shape them into the parents that our little friend needs and I pray that in God's perfect timing that this little one could be reunited with their family.   

Do me a huge favor today…

Pray for us.  Pray for all of the foster parents today.   Pray for strength for us, for peace when things don't come out the way we think they should come out.  Pray for the little ones in our care that they will prosper and grow and that the short time we have them, they will know how loved they are.   

And one last favor…

please don't tell us how crazy we are for doing this or how you could never do it.   Because there are many days when we just don't feel like we can do it.  

Don't get me wrong, we've been incredibly blessed by so many strong supporters.   You will never know how much those unexpected meals that have shown up after a sleepless night, the can of formula that came out of the blue, the clothing & blankets and loaning of baby gear to help us out with expenses….those blessings will never be forgotten and have opened my own eyes to being able to bless other foster families.   

We cannot do this crazy adventure without you all.   

Love,

Amy