Why I dread the first day of school.

As I sit down for the first time today I feel accomplished.   The lunches are packed.  The backpack is filled the very long list of school supplies and the first day of school outfit is laid out next to the fancy new pair of tennis shoes.    I should feel ecstatic but I don't.  I feel sad, anxious and uneasy.    I've hesitated about posting this but can't help but feel that there is someone out there that feels the same way that I do.  

I dread the first day of school.

I loathe the term "special needs" but I guess there is no other way to say it than I am the mom of a special needs child.   Special meaning he isn't like a lot of the other kids in his class and needs because he needs a lot of extra love and patience.  Here is why I loathe school:

* Most likely my son won't come home with the leadership award or whatever it is called, rather we will have a year of think sheets to wallpaper our house with.

* The color system is the death of me and while most celebrate the green days, we celebrate the yellow days.

* While your child is playing and interacting with other kids, my son is either playing by himself or walking laps around the playground to make up for the out of turn talking, impulsivity, etc.

And my list can go on.   I sit in tears, anxiously anticipating another year like the last and all I can do is pray.  Pray that we have a teacher that understands my son for who he is and with what he struggles with.  A teacher that will realize that ADHD isn't a discipline issue, rather than it is a disorder that my son has no control over.  Pray that this will be the year that my son "fits in" and makes friends.    Pray that this year will be filled with celebrations and successes.  

Pray that this will be his year to shine.    

And if you get a chance, say some extra prayers for that sweet boy of mine.  

Worn.

Confession:   There is something about a well worn Bible that catches my eye and makes me long for the day when my Bible looks like this…….

There is a quote that always catches my attention and brings so much truth….

A Bible that is falling apart usually 

belongs to someone who isn't.

Dysfunctional Relationships….

Admit it.  You know it but it might be hard to say.  You've been the victim of a dysfunctional relationship.   You know the kind?  That one where you fell so head over heels in love.  That time when you were convinced that YOU were going to break that person, the one who has never experienced commitment in their life, the one that loved their own time and personal space so much that you had to make the accommodations to be with them?  The one that you were bound and determine to change, to win, to conquer only to be dumped flat on your face….heartbroken and bruised.

Foster parenting is a lot like a dysfunctional relationship.   No matter how much you tell yourself that you aren't going to set yourself up for a heart break, you still manage to walk away with a broken heart.       In the beginning you start out strong.   You keep your heart guarded and then there is that moment.  Maybe it was the way he smiled at you.  Perhaps the way she reached out for you.   It was that moment where you caved and you allowed yourself to fall in love the whole time knowing that you were going to get hurt.

Today is one of those days where I want to throw in the towel on foster parenting.   I can't say there is a specific reason, I just feel discouraged and defeated.  The fear of the unknown sets in and I wonder if I can handle another heart break.

5am

be STILL

Two words that have replayed over and over in my head this last month.    When my anxiety rises and my heart starts to pound rapidly, I have to remind myself to simply Be Still & KNOW that HE is God!!!  

Some of you know our fostering adventure.   We "graduated" from foster parenting classes last May and on June 4th, 2014 we got a phone call that changed our life.   11 weeks later we were left heartbroken and madly in love with a child that was taken abruptly away and we were reminded of how little control we have in this world of foster parenting.    That August 22nd we were left convinced we could never do this again.  But our God is a mighty God and through weeks of healing, prayers being lifted up for us, we were humbly reminded that God didn't call us to foster parenting for us to be blessed, He called us to foster parent so that we could bless others.    And so we jumped on the wagon once again and are currently on our 4th little friend.  

My perspective on fostering has changed so much since our classes and our first placement.   Yes I fall in love with a child and yes my heart aches when that little one looks at me like I'm their mama but my heart is broken for the parents who have lost their child.  My heart desires to see those parents turn their lives around and become a family again.    How amazing would it be to see them become successful in life as parents and as a person?  To turn away from the things that corrupted them in the beginning.  Do the selfish thoughts come back to me of wanting this child as my own?  Absolutely but then I am quickly reminded to Be Still.  

Today is a knotted stomach kind of day as I sit at my kitchen table taking care of my sick son and listening to my little friend sleep in their crib down the hall.   Today my friend's case is in court.  Today two sides are fighting for two different plans for this little one.   I will say, I loathe this part of fostering. The court hearings, the legal drama, the verdicts that we may never know the reasons for.   But that wasn't why God called us to this adventure.

How ironic that this popped up in my Facebook feed this morning?  (and I say ironic with a giggle because nothing is ironic with God)…

This is my prayer today.  I pray for this baby's parents.   I pray that people will be brought into their lives to mold them and shape them into the parents that our little friend needs and I pray that in God's perfect timing that this little one could be reunited with their family.   

Do me a huge favor today…

Pray for us.  Pray for all of the foster parents today.   Pray for strength for us, for peace when things don't come out the way we think they should come out.  Pray for the little ones in our care that they will prosper and grow and that the short time we have them, they will know how loved they are.   

And one last favor…

please don't tell us how crazy we are for doing this or how you could never do it.   Because there are many days when we just don't feel like we can do it.  

Don't get me wrong, we've been incredibly blessed by so many strong supporters.   You will never know how much those unexpected meals that have shown up after a sleepless night, the can of formula that came out of the blue, the clothing & blankets and loaning of baby gear to help us out with expenses….those blessings will never be forgotten and have opened my own eyes to being able to bless other foster families.   

We cannot do this crazy adventure without you all.   

Love,

Amy

An empty bedroom.

Blame it on the weather, blame it on post sickness, blame it on just life but tonight you are getting me raw & transparent, broken & tired.  

Nothing about these last several months seems 'fair'.   Nothing seems easy and tonight is one of those nights where I feel defeated, weary and just frustrated with life.  

I'm tired & worn.   I look at my life tonight and wonder why some have it so easy and everything seems to fall into place for them and why I am sitting here tonight with a heart full of prayer requests for loved ones fighting big battles, a job that I love yet physically and emotionally drains me, a son that pushes me to my limits one minute and the next melts my heart, but most of all tonight I struggle with an empty bedroom waiting to be filled.  

13 months ago, God called me out of my comfort zone and started opening my heart towards the "orphans".    For those of you who know me, this was a huge and a constant battle.   For 3 months I sat in classes once a week questioning each week whether or not I was capable of becoming a foster mom. As classes neared the end, I told my husband one evening on our walk home that I couldn't do it.  I couldn't be a foster parent.  I wasn't strong enough.   Being the patient and logical guy he is, he told me just to take it one day at a time and see where God will lead us.

Just a few short weeks later we got our first phone call and our first friend came to live with us.   We loved on them for ten weeks and then they were sent home.    Eight long weeks went by and we got another call this time for a couple more friends.   Anxious, crazy, you name it but we took them on with great excitement.  With a husband out of town, a birthday that I think happened and a whole lot of chaos our house felt complete again and then once again, our friends were sent on.  

Confession & side note:   I love the feeling of having a full mini van.  I love loading it up at 7am and pulling out of the driveway for school seeing the back filled with little ones.   There is something about it that makes my heart feel full.

So tonight I sit here in my house and it feels lonely and empty just being a family of 3.

My biggest fear throughout the foster parenting classes were all of the phone calls we were prepared to get and having to turn down the multiple placements, little did I know that our biggest battle would be just waiting for a phone call.   My heart has changed so much in the last several months and it longs to have a house filled with little ones needing to be loved and cared for.   I long to see that empty bedroom of ours filled with little clothes and shoes and toys.

My heart hurts.  

So this is where my transparency tonight comes into play as I sit here typing this and pleading for your prayers.    Prayers for the loved ones in my life right now fighting some pretty big battles.  Prayers for our sweet family as we figure out where our church home is supposed to be.   Prayers for our son  to be successful and obedient in school and at home.  Prayers for me that when my alarm goes off each morning at 5:15am that I will get out of bed and get right into God's word, and most of all pray for that little one that we long to love on and care for, the little life we hope to bless with our empty bedroom.  

Lord use us.    Fill our home with laughter and love and good health.   Bless us Lord as we long to bless others.  

It's been 3 weeks.

It was a Friday and a beautiful one at that.    The kids at school had been perfect and by 4pm that familiar pit in my stomach felt that it was safe to say that our little friend was here to stay with our family at least through the weekend.   After rushing out the door from school, picking my little man up from his school and heading to daycare to pick our friend up, we headed home chipper and happy, more relaxed than we had been in weeks.    Dave hurried home from work and we readied ourselves for a night of swimming, dinner out and a movie in the park.      I was determined to focus on my family and left my much too precious iPhone on the kitchen counter in order to not be tempted to play on it.   This was a weekend of family fun.

5pm.  We loaded up in the car with the music blaring and headed out for a swim on that hot summer day.    1 mile down the road, Dave's phone rang.   I glanced down and my stomach dropped.   Our caseworker was calling us at 5:05 on a Friday night.   Something was not right.    Dave quickly answered and the next few minutes were a blur.

"I tried calling Amy's phone but she didn't answer."

"The Judge just called…"

"(friend) is going home…"

"I have to come get her immediately."

"I'm so sorry."

Silence.  Shock.  Heartache.  

My sweet boy laughing in the backseat talking to our friend.  My heart desperately ached at the thought of what I was about to tell him.   He sobbed.   Not little tears, big ones.   He didn't understand.    Every emotion running through our bodies.   We hurried home and changed.    I sent a text to my dear friend that said "(friend) is going back to mom tonight.  I need you.".   I hurried through the house packing up what little bit hadn't already been packed.   I did everything I could to avoid holding our sweet and precious friend.  I couldn't do it.  I could not do it.    I was avoiding the goodbye and wanting to pretend this had never happened but I couldn't and alas I gave in.    I quickly picked up our sweet friend from Dave's arms, sat down on the living room floor and surrounded myself with my sweet family and there we sat and prayed.    We prayed for our friend.  We prayed for her continued healing.  We prayed for her return home.   We prayed for her safety.   We prayed for her future.   I listened to my precious boy pray his heart out like he had never prayed before.   We wept.    We held onto each other, the four of us and enjoyed the last few minutes of our time together as a foster family of 4.

Our friends arrived and loved on us, encouraged us, listened to us vent and cry.  The caseworker pulled up and we watched our friend load up our sweet little foster baby's belongings as we walked her to the car.   We kissed her one last time and I couldn't help but get one last smell of her precious baby scent and then I did the hardest thing ever and I handed this sweet baby over to the caseworker and said goodbye.

The next morning we packed up everything baby.    Our friend would never be forgotten but seeing her favorite toys around became too painful.   Emotions were raw, hearts were broken and we knew that we were in no shape to make any sort of decision about what to do with her sweet room that was in the works of becoming our "foster friends'" room.    So I said goodbye to her beautiful baby girl bedding

and hello to a new possibility.    A second chance to love another child and be the home that the need for us to be.   By the way, we were incredibly blessed with two bedding sets and how many mom's get the opportunity to redecorate a room in just a matter of an hour?  

I should clarify that while we knew that our little friend would never be an adoption case, nor was she ours to keep, we never imagined she would leave so soon and so abruptly.   While I mentally tried to prepare myself for weeks for that goodbye I don't think anything can ever prepare you for that phone call on a Friday night.  

 I won't lie, the first week was horrible.   I held my emotions in for a few days until I physically couldn't do it any longer and I wept and wept.    Our family went and saw our beloved counselor a few days after.   I think every family should have a counselor.   They are wonderful.   He told me not to hide my emotions from my son.  He told me that we were not stupid for opening our hearts and our home to take care of another mother's child.   He told me it was okay for me to be bitter and angry.   He told us what an amazing family we were when we felt like we had failed.   He told us that what we did for this little girl was priceless and would never be forgotten even though we felt so raw from the broken hearts she had left us with.    It was that night leaving his office that I knew we hit the bottom, we allowed ourselves to grieve and would allow ourselves to finish off the grieving process but it was also time to refocus and make decisions.    It was time to go on with life.  

So it's been 3 weeks.    We still pray for our friend every night.   We leave her picture on our fridge and laugh about her nicknames (Pork Chop was my personal favorite).    We sometimes wonder what she is doing and how she is feeling.    It hurts me to say I can no longer remember her baby scent that became so familiar and calming to me.   I still miss her.    Today on her 3 week anniversary of leaving us I finally gathered the strength to go back to the DFS office and pick up her carseat that she left our house in.    Honestly, I'd been avoiding it.  I had friends offer to go by and get it but I just couldn't bear to bring that seat home.   There was something dumb about seeing that carseat that made my heart hurt more for my friend.   Seeing that silly seat brought down the hallway towards us brought tears to both my son's and mine eyes.   I put it in the back of the van and we drove off in a brief moment of silence.   I asked him if he missed her still and he said "a lot".  I told him I did too and we talked about our friend but today was different.    Today I had closure and today I felt stronger.   Our friend will never be forgotten in our home but there is a small amount of pride in my heart knowing that we survived our first go around as foster parents.  

My heart feels healed and ready to begin this adventure again.   Am I crazy?  Probably.   I pray each morning on my way to school for that little life out there waiting to come to our home.   I pray that God blesses us abundantly through that life and that we in return can bless that life abundantly.   So now we wait.  We continue on with life as a family of 3 and pray that in God's perfect timing this bed can bless another child's life.  

We wait, we pray, we trust, we will obey.