A new kind of normal.

For two years, my husband and I have prayed about becoming foster parents.   In January, we took the plunge and committed to classes and as crazy as it sounds, I was terrified the moment I walked through the door that first night.   I knew my comfy, quiet life would never be the same.   I knew it was about to become a new kind of normal.

Fast forward to June 4, 2014.    It was a beautiful day and I was enjoying a visit at my parents.  School was out, life was good and then the phone rang.    It was a phone call I will never forget.    Anxiety, uncertainty, excitement, jitters, you name it, I was feeling it.    We were about to begin one of the most painful journies of our lives.  A little over a week later, we sat anxiously in our living room awaiting the arrival of our DFS worker.  We prayed, we paced and in just a short time a precious little life was placed in our lives and all of those feelings of uncertainty went out the door and our hearts fell in love with this tiny little life.  

The next three weeks were a blur.   Maybe it was the sleepless nights, maybe the feelings of inadequacy to be the mom my son needed and be the comfort this little life was needing to rebuild their trust, to find a calm after a brutal storm.    I broke down, I cried, I longed for the days of normal that we so recently had enjoyed.    That breakdown was just what I needed as I rocked this little life to sleep one night and stared this precious babe in the eyes.    I knew then, it wasn't about me anymore, it was about them.   This child needed me to love them, hold them, comfort them.    They found their security in me. What an amazing honor to know this little life needed me.

Shortly after my meltdown, being a family of 4 became normal.   Taking evening walks, trips to the store and even a short adventure to the zoo became life.    We laughed, we played, we fell in love with this precious child.    And even though we know this little life is not our own, they certainly became just another piece to our crazy family equation.   Just when things started to feel comfortable, God reminded us once again, we were not in control as we learned that this little life was not ours and would most likely be leaving us soon.   And.that.hurts.   We've been stretched, we've been molded and not without pain, tears, anger and fear.  

I laid in bed last night listening to this sweet child breath and I began to cry.   Those tears turned into weeping and before I knew it, my pillow was soaked, my heart broken trying to picture what it will be like to say goodbye to this life.   This baby that looks at me like I'm their mom.   This precious life that has stolen my heart, and the hearts of my family.    By morning, those tears turned into anger and while driving to church this Sunday morning I told God I was done Foster Parenting.   After this little life was sent home I was throwing in the towel.  "I can't do this anymore" I told my husband.   "It's not me.  I'm not cut out for it."  My body is broke out in hives, and my heart is broken.   You can't expect me to take a child in and watch them fall in love with me, while I fall in love with them only to have to say goodbye.    I'm done.   As we pulled into the church parking lot, we both sat in a silent agreement.   We gathered the little ones and walked in, sat down in the pew and then this played.

I wept.   I wept like never before.   My husband wept and we sat their broken hearted knowing that this was not about us.   This was about being obedient and following God's commandment to love his children, to take in the orphans.    This job that God called us to do is painful, it hurts more than any other thing I've ever done.    I feel weak and weary.   Just when I think I can cry no more, the tears begin again and all I can do is sit and love on this little child like they are my own and deal with the heart ache when it is time for us to say goodbye.   Oh how I dread that day.    But I thank God for choosing me to be the light in this little child's life and I know my strength will come from those around me when it's time to let go and know that this tiny babe is in God's hands.    

Prayer.   Prayer friends.   We need your prayers.   Prayers for strength and peace.   Prayers for encouragement in the midst of sadness.   Prayers for hopeful hearts that this little life will grow up to be something amazing and that they will one day allow Jesus to come into their heart.   Prayers that we can be that sweet child's miracle.  

Prayers that God willing, we be able to work up the courage to begin this crazy adventure all over again when His timing is right.   

After all, it's a new kind of normal around here.