Nothing about these last several months seems 'fair'. Nothing seems easy and tonight is one of those nights where I feel defeated, weary and just frustrated with life.
I'm tired & worn. I look at my life tonight and wonder why some have it so easy and everything seems to fall into place for them and why I am sitting here tonight with a heart full of prayer requests for loved ones fighting big battles, a job that I love yet physically and emotionally drains me, a son that pushes me to my limits one minute and the next melts my heart, but most of all tonight I struggle with an empty bedroom waiting to be filled.
13 months ago, God called me out of my comfort zone and started opening my heart towards the "orphans". For those of you who know me, this was a huge and a constant battle. For 3 months I sat in classes once a week questioning each week whether or not I was capable of becoming a foster mom. As classes neared the end, I told my husband one evening on our walk home that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be a foster parent. I wasn't strong enough. Being the patient and logical guy he is, he told me just to take it one day at a time and see where God will lead us.
Just a few short weeks later we got our first phone call and our first friend came to live with us. We loved on them for ten weeks and then they were sent home. Eight long weeks went by and we got another call this time for a couple more friends. Anxious, crazy, you name it but we took them on with great excitement. With a husband out of town, a birthday that I think happened and a whole lot of chaos our house felt complete again and then once again, our friends were sent on.
Confession & side note: I love the feeling of having a full mini van. I love loading it up at 7am and pulling out of the driveway for school seeing the back filled with little ones. There is something about it that makes my heart feel full.
So tonight I sit here in my house and it feels lonely and empty just being a family of 3.
My biggest fear throughout the foster parenting classes were all of the phone calls we were prepared to get and having to turn down the multiple placements, little did I know that our biggest battle would be just waiting for a phone call. My heart has changed so much in the last several months and it longs to have a house filled with little ones needing to be loved and cared for. I long to see that empty bedroom of ours filled with little clothes and shoes and toys.
My heart hurts.
So this is where my transparency tonight comes into play as I sit here typing this and pleading for your prayers. Prayers for the loved ones in my life right now fighting some pretty big battles. Prayers for our sweet family as we figure out where our church home is supposed to be. Prayers for our son to be successful and obedient in school and at home. Prayers for me that when my alarm goes off each morning at 5:15am that I will get out of bed and get right into God's word, and most of all pray for that little one that we long to love on and care for, the little life we hope to bless with our empty bedroom.
Lord use us. Fill our home with laughter and love and good health. Bless us Lord as we long to bless others.
